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Monday, January 13, 2014

Richard Dawkins sexy adventures: A rational fan-fiction.

"I wonder what Bulgarians think of memetics?" Richard Dawkins asks himself as he unzips his pants.

Before him hovers a void - it represents the futility of existence, the non-existent God of the finite, human imperfection - and Richard Dawkins is going to put his penis inside this void. "It is perfectly rational to marry and reproduce", he whispers in to the void. The void does not respond. "This is how we evolved, you know". His room is filled with various unfinished or rejected papers, including a neuro-scientific explanation for the existence of people who believe the word "table" is a social construct and a refutation of Plato's Allegory of the Cave concluding that such a cave has never existed, and furthermore, that Plato was a fucking dead Greek wanker who should shut up.

The void omits a hollow sound as Richard enters into it. "Yes, I agree, being ticketed for driving through a red light is a sign Ho Chi Min has won." The void omits another hollow noise, but at a lower key. "When I heard about the mosque being built right next to my favorite bakery, I realized that I am the only one who can stop this - who but me could protect the baked goods of the world from the Irrational Foreign Agent?" he continued, slowly humping.

Truly, Richard Dawkins was used to people ignoring him, but the lack of feedback this horrid, hollow and faceless nothing gave him, made him want to rip out his nostrils and sell his UKIP posters for way under the accepted price in some back-alley black market. This rage was unusual, even for Richard, but he knew that ultimately, the whole affair would benefit humanity.

"I shall dismiss any traitor of the higher cause of reason as an infidel in the eyes of a vengeful nothing!" he screams, and suddenly, the void was not before him anymore. He stood, with his his erect phallus exposed, alone in the room. A raging flood of ambivalence now inflicted itself upon our impotent hero. "Come back!" he screamed, howling madly at the corners of the room. "We have not achieved Illumination yet! We have not converted the minds of the misled to the cause of abstract logic!"

He continued howling. "I did not want this either! It was not my fault the totality filled itself with epiphenomenal irrationality for the Hell of It! Was it me, who killed all Darwins of the Stone Age, who hung Galileo by his intestines for exposing the falsehood of a tribal Sun god, who persecuted Newton with stones and fire for throwing apples in the heads of shamans? It was you! Where were you, Oh Void, when I warned of the false prophets and the stealers of bee-sperm? Nowhere! Come back, our destiny shall not fulfill itself!"

His penis wobbled as an eastern wind blew in through the windows.

It all overwhelmed him. The biological inferiority of his critics, the impurity of the global human mind, and the clarity he himself possessed. Who had put him in this position? Only reason could have done so. Who made him immune to all of history and its intolerance? Only a rational mind. With an intellect such as his, who would abandon him like this. There he was - the most rational mind in the world, rejected by an Eternal Void. It could never be made good.